I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Are my feet made of real feet?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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