I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I FOUND THE LEGS
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
