did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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