so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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