The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize