I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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