How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
