atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize