I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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