Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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