I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
