You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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