3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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