haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
