im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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