we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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