You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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