He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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