Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
