my phone needs a breathalizer
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
