I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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