i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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