Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
