"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
