Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
