Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
