My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
