I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
