Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
