she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize