at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
