better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
