in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize