I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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