i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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