Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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