at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
