I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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