if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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