where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
