How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
