Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I will pee on everything he values.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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