Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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