oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize