I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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