The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
