I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize