Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
People in love make me want to vomit
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
