i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
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