I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Send help, water and tortillas.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
