The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize