it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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