My sheets look like a crime scene.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize