Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
