You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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