i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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