no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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