YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
