i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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