after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
