I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Drake has all the answers
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
