He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
